Loverian

You MIGHT be Codependent if…

?…youve ever heard yourself think or say, “If you loved me, you would ______” (fill in the blank)

…youve ever thought that if someone else would just CHANGE, you could finally be happy.

…youve rescued another person…emotionally or physically…only to later resent and judge them for needing to be rescued in the?first place!

…youve been possessive, obsessive, and felt like you were LOSING YOUR MIND over someone or something you didnt like that?much to?begin with.

…your entire life feels out of control when you cant have what (or WHO) you want?RIGHT NOW!

…you question your own decisions and opinions when other people dont agree with them…

…you sacrifice your own needs and wants for the needs and wants of others.

…you have to get angry to be heard…

…youve stopped trying to be heard…

…youre angry, scared, or lonely and cant tell?which is which?anymore.

…you say “yes” when you mean “no”; “NO” when you mean “yes”; have no idea WHAT you mean, and wonder?why people?dont “get” you…

OR…

…you finding yourself singing the lyrics to “Love Hurts” in the shower!

If you answered a resounding “YES!” to any of these statements, you just might be codependent.

Although we might chuckle at the obvious, Codependency is NO JOKE! It is actually host to some of the most common, destructive, unhealthy, and unconscious habits and behaviors we do as human beings.

For many years, when I mentioned the topic of “codependency” to clients, I would get various negative reactions as if I had just asked them to smell a dirty sock! However, with the willingness to delve more deeply, they were able to understand its significance in their lives and ultimately, begin the process of healing and recovering themselves from a number of false beliefs and unhealthy behaviors they were not even aware were causing their pain.

Although the term Codependency?was coined in the 1980s as a means of identifying the feelings and behaviors of people in relationships with alcoholics and addicts, it has a much broader meaning today. If you were to look at codependency under a microscope, you would find it is simply a set of beliefs and perspectives about love…what it looks like, feels like, acts like; how we get it, keep it, protect it; what it means about us if we have it or if we dont; and at its very core, the belief that love exists externally rather than internally, which is ultimately the true culprit. When we believe our source of love resides in others, we are rendered dependent on them for love, acceptance, approval, acknowledgment, affection, attention and validation, and in our codependent nature, will go in search of someone to help us feel “whole”. In order to do so, we must seek out (or already have) someone who will cooperate in this dynamic with us, hence creating a “codependent” relationship, in which both parties are dependent on the same set of beliefs in order to sustain the relationship. This happens in relationships of all kinds, be it intimate, parent/child, friendship, coworkers, or the world at large and is completely unconscious to most of us, which is where our work begins. Its time to wake up!

To be interdependent is to live and practice the conscious awareness that our sense of Self is derived from within. To be inter-dependent is to be “internally dependent” on our own capacity for love, validation, and acceptance, rather than externally dependent on others to fulfill us. Just as we learn to walk, talk, and feed our bodies as we grow, we must also learn to honor, validate, and nurture our Souls or we will remain dependent on others to do so. Most of us did not get a lot of support in this area and learned instead to trust others more than ourselves, seek others opinions, approval, and acceptance over our own, and in essence, lost pieces of our true Self along the way. This is that subtle feeling we get sometimes that “somethings missing”. It IS! But its not far out of reach. The task now is to find and embrace those aspects of Self and remember who we are again…from the inside out.

Once in alignment with that which we already ARE, we are able to relax and enjoy the love we feel with others, rather than needing it to feel complete. When we are complete within ourselves, we are at peace.

If youve not yet explored this aspect of your personal/spiritual growth, or at least not explored it from this perspective, I highly recommend it as an empowering, enlightening, and often very entertaining process!

In my relationship work with couples, I have found there are certain key elements necessary to create and maintain healthy, intimate relationships. Unfortunately, by the time couples get to my door they are already out of balance and suffering, and their energy is usually invested in blame and battle. Rather than referee, I encourage them to explore the purpose of their relationship, as well as the purpose of the conflicts, and to use the discord to learn something about themselves and their partner. More often than not, it is soon revealed that both partners have the same desires for their relationship, but somewhere along the way, began to work against each other. Recognizing this, the first step is to get back to basics.

To begin, I encourage them to explore what each has brought to the relationship. When we enter into partnership, we come with a suitcase packed with life experiences, including wounds and resentments from past relationships, fears, needs, and painful beliefs about ourselves and even about love. In other words, we come into relationships with wounds that can and will be healed through a new experience of love. With the awareness of these principles and a willingness to practice them, your relationship will begin to heal as you work toward healing yourSelf and supporting your partner in doing the same.

Principle #1: Dig in your own suitcase! Rather than rummaging through your partners suitcase, look intently and honestly in your own and do what needs to be done to put those things away. In other words, be willing to heal your own wounds.

Principle #2: Honor and validate your partner. The very distinct differences between?masculine and feminine energy, even in same-sex relationships, is necessary to the balance of all intimate relationships. Learning to recognize, understand, and support these unique qualities, rather than judging or criticizing, is honoring and validating to your partner.

Principle # 3: Do not attack! Resist attacking your partner or?your Self in thought, word, and action.?If you only practice this one principle, your life and your love will change dramatically.

Principle #4: Remember that you are Teammates. If a teammate makes a mistake and lets the team down, we generally forgive, encourage and pick up the slack if needed. Rather than take each others mistakes and mishaps personally, remember you are teammates in life, working toward the same goals.

Principle #5: Remember the Higher Purpose of your relationship. We all need to feel a sense of purpose in our lives, yet we often fail to see a higher purpose for our intimate relationships. When in alignment and committed to something greater than ourselves, our relationship has more meaning, life has more value, and love has no limit!

Those who have heard this phrase or those who have engaged in this form of covenant will wonder what this guy is going to be talking about on this issue. But for those whom are lost I will start by telling us the meaning of covenant by the oxford advanced learners dictionary- a covenant can be defined as a promise to somebody or a legal agreement.

With this insight on what covenant means, you can now in your mind eyes get the meaning of a blood covenant. Blood covenant can be defined as a blood promise between two individuals, whereby both individual pierce their thumb to bring out blood they their by either join their bleeding thumbs together or lick the blood from the other partners thumb, making a promise(in most cases male and female who are lovers) to always be together and not getting involved with any other individual and if any of the individual involved derails then they place a particular curse on themselves like the failing party runs mad, impotency, barrenness and the rest.

Blood covenant was highly practiced in the days of our fore fathers by lovers to stay committed to each other, because of the fear of lovers being separated by parental choices for a richer partner mostly for their female children. Unfortunately most people might think this practice must have gone into extinction but I must say it may come as a surprise to some of our esteemed readers that some of our young and energetic men and women still engage in this barbaric practice.

Somebody out there might say blood covenant its an expression of true love. But I will say thats a myopic thought because if a male and a female truly and wholeheartedly love themselves then I ask why they would result to going for a blood covenant. By taking that step shows a lack of trust for one another because two parties who truly love themselves wont result to going to take an oath that will endanger the life of a derailing lover.

Another person out there might say- oh boy see wahala oh wetin concern this guy self? I will tell you how it concerns me about a month ago, a cousin of mine at Aba met a girl at Abia polytechnic they got talking for weeks and it got to the point when the girl has to visit the guy at home. He sent the girl the description of the house where he lives (the house wasnt really his; he was impersonating my one bedroom I shared in a flat with a friend). When the girl arrived, she was a young pretty girl about 55 tall with a low cut that fits her tank top and sexy low waist jean. Wow, I whispered when I was introduced to chioma, that exclamation came out of no intention of mine, that is just to tell you how good looking she was.

After the introduction I looked for an excuse to let them be, I went to a bar few blocks to my flat to grab myself a bottle of Guinness stout with another cousin of mine. After about an hour my mobile phone rang and my cousin (obinna) begged me to come up stairs, I and my other cousin (chibuzor) ran upstairs. I knocked on my door and obinna opened the door, a porno movie was showing on my Samsung21 inches flat screen TV. My guy was clad on his camouflaged Tommy Hilfiger boxers and the girl was on the bed clothes still intact and her hair messed up.

Whats up? Was the only thing my mouth could say. Bros, see this chick oh, after flirting with me for two weeks, she come finally show, na him I say make we get down, You know wetin she dey tell me? No, I answered. She dey tell me say she do blood covenant with her boyfriend way dey Lagos and say if she try anything with me say she go kolo. Boy I know believe this nonsense I just call you because say I dey your house oh because if Na my crib I go do am and anything wey go happen make he happen.

I told him to let the girl be and when they both got dressed, the girl came to thank me for how I intervened and she said she wanted to get my mobile number I gave her my mobile number and I told her I was really disappointed that a young and educated girl like her will be involved in such, she was very open about her disappointment in herself and she claims she is frustrated. She claims she wants to be in a new relationship but the blood oath she has taken has always hunted her and she claims to be tired of the guy she was in the covenant with, and that the distance between them is even making matters worse.

She left that day not being taking advantage of because I was there to discourage my cousin from being ungentlemanly, if I had encouraged him maybe chioma might have attracted the punishment of her breach of the covenant. Chioma might have been lucky but they might be someone else who might not be as lucky as she is. Like chioma said she is tired of the relationship and wants out but how does she go about it and I believe there are so many ladies like chioma in this blood oath thing.

The negative effect of blood oath is immeasurable. Young lovers should not put their lives at risk because you want to prove to a boy or a girl that you love him or her. Time changes thing and the boy or girl you think is your life might in two years time not be your life any more but just a normal guy and you might have met someone whom you truly love and want to spend the rest of your life with, realizing that what you felt for the other guy was just part of juvenile lust.

People should also use their heads with their heart while in a relationship and they should also remember that nothing last forever. You might get in a relationship and engage in a blood oath with a guy or a girl and a long the way the guy or girl lose their life untimely and that makes the other party in a difficult position in their new relationship. Even when he or she gets married they cant bear children in their married life.

Blood covenant is not advisable for young and I personally see it as barbaric way of showing love because it ironically shows hate.